Depression Is A Gift (My Story)
At some point along my journey, I heard the words, “Depression is the greatest gift.”
Enmeshed in a world of darkness, day in and day out, these words struck me.
The dominant energies arising were anger and confusion. Perhaps you can relate.
“How could depression be a gift? My life is a living hell.”
Yet there was another voice—another part of me—that felt there was something to this statement. This part of me was intrigued.
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For nearly half my life, I navigated the world in a state of depression. Destructive self-talk and overall low energy permeated my experience. Getting out of bed each morning took all my willpower. Many days, I didn’t get out of bed. This eventually became my norm.
I fell into a space where I was unable to take care of my responsibilities, my relationships... myself.
Within this debilitating state, I kept attempting to push forward. However,
- Every job I took, I shortly after lost.
- Every relationship I had crumbled in front of me.
- Every act of taking care of myself soon became a “why bother.”
I lost my connection to joy, laughter, and vitality. All the activities I used to enjoy, all the people who enlivened me—everything... lost its magic.
The colors dimmed.
The juice of life dried up.
While each day, each hour, each grueling minute felt like an eternity, the past number of years had gone by in the blink of an eye. It was groundhog day again, and again, and again.
Pain permeated my internal world, yet instead of addressing this, I chose to push everything down—I consistently chose to numb myself.
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When we twist an ankle, fall, and physical pain arises, we get the message. Taking care of our ankle becomes the most important thing. From that moment forward, we tend to our injury in order to get ourselves back on our feet again.
Yet unlike with physical pain, when pain arises internally, our immediate reaction is to push it down, ignore it, or numb it instead of recognizing it as a sign that something is hurt, something needs attention, something needs to heal.
To continue with the analogy, by doing so, we are forcing ourselves to walk on an injured ankle, perpetually making the situation worse and worse.
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When pain arises internally, instead of shoving it down, what would happen if we slowed down and listened to the pain?
Our body has a self-guiding mechanism rooted in the pain system. I like to call it the Pain Teacher. When suffering arises, we're being shown that something is out of alignment. Our Pain Teacher is showing us that we're out of balance, acting, or living disconnected from our truth—our highest potential.
If we continue to ignore this pain, it progresses into addictive behaviors, substance abuse, and/or what is typically labeled as "mental illness."
If we ignore it to the highest degree, it manifests as suicide.
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What's the alternative?
The alternative is recognizing that pain is not a problem but, in fact, an internal intelligence attempting to nudge us back into balance.
Our body holds immense wisdom that our mind often attempts to suppress. Be it through substances, screen time, social media, or any other escapist behaviors, we are telling our Pain Teacher, "Shush, you have no value."
But what if instead, we took the time to observe the pain? What if we got curious and gently asked ourselves, "What are you trying to show me?"
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The gift of my depression came to fruition when I learned to listen to my Pain Teacher, instead of shoving it down as I had so previously become accustomed to.
Was it easy? ... Not at all.
Was it worthwhile? ... It was life-changing.
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The key to unlocking your ability to listen to your Pain Teacher comes through the intentional practice of mindfulness.
Mindfulness Defined: *Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment through a gentle, nurturing lens.*
Whether it be through a guided mindfulness meditation, a yoga session, a contemplative walk in nature, breathwork, a journal entry, a psychedelic journey, or many other practices out there, the goal is to be present with the pain instead of running from it.
This is the tricky part.
What comes up may be extremely uncomfortable.
Yet this discomfort is the guide back to your trueSelf.
Next time you're feeling overwhelmed, upset, or frustrated—next time the sadness, fear, or loneliness feels unbearable—I encourage you to observe this pain and try out one of the practices listed above instead of distracting yourself.
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We’ll close with a quote, “Feel it. The thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it. And be Free.” - Nayyirah Waheed
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Until next time,
Remember to Breathe and remember to Laugh :)